Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “random”

Rewriting the bible

In this case I’m talking about the bible I use when I’m writing my novel. I got the idea/suggestion from another blog or article I read a while back. Shamefully I didn’t bookmark it so I have no idea where it is or who said it.

I’m sure the idea of having a notebook filled with character information, locations, and other important facts for a book is not uncommon. I’ve done versions of it on 3×5 note cards in the past and it turned out disastrous.

For example: I would come up with a character that I thought was wonderful. Absolutely perfect for the story I wanted to tell. Then as I began actually writing I’d find out that this person was as one dimensional as you could get. There was not person in the character I had created.

So I would throw the note card away.

I would rewrite the character completely and start over trying to fit this new character into the old character’s spot. Trouble was that most of the time the situations that came about after the setup were because of how the original character acted.

And of course by this time the trash had been taken to the dump along with the character I had fallen in love with in the beginning.

So the notecard idea wasn’t going to work for me.

My next attempt was putting those notes into a notebook. That worked out well. Until I had to add more characters and locations. Or a new interesting fact came up. Or I would get distracted by a back story and have a whole notebook filled with events that had happened so long ago that no one in the current book gave a damn about them.

And then of course there was the constantly changing face of my characters.

Between and I have literally thousands and millions of faces to inspire a character. I’d find one and the next thing you know I have found an even better one.

So what’s a writer to do?

Get a blank 9×11 sketchbook (hardbound with an elastic closure)
Get a pair of scissors
Get tape
Get a stapler
Get a yellow pad of paper (or notebook)

And rewrite the bible to your hearts content.

Your characters are going to evolve from your concept into people with their own voice and opinions about who their are. It’s nice to document the journey all the while staying true to the Idea you had in the beginning . 🙂


And life returns

Yes, I know. It has been months and months since I’ve updated here. To be fair I have had a busy winter and an even busier spring.

Not that I have a lot to show for it. 🙂

I had planned on getting a manuscript together for some beta readers later this year, but discovered that I need to do quite a bit of work on it before that can happen. And naturally the small issues rapidly evolved into major issues. Issues like- one event taking place earlier in the story changes how some of the characters interact with each other later on in the story.

Another issue was that some of the characters were becoming too polarized when they were meant to be like everyday normal people who are neither one way nor the other.


So for the past 3 months I have been trying to get the back story fleshed out as well as some world building done.

You would think that I would have done this prior to all my work in November and December. And I really should have, but… you knew that was coming right? …I just don’t work that way.

And then my day job got hectic. My dentist is planning a trip to Disneyland on the profits from my visits. And of course there is the daily life I have at home. I will do it because I want to and that is all that really matters. 😀

Adventures to plan


I have fallen out of practice again. Not just in writing, but in my spiritual life as well. And the longer I wait the harder it is going to be to get back into it.

So I need a challenge. An adventure that will scare the hell out of me. ~grins~ Why scare and not thrill? Because I want my adventure to end up with me being stronger and pushing forward. For me thrills just mean that I enjoyed myself and that I probably won’t do it again. Odd but true. I’m not a thrill seeker by any stretch of the imagination so that just leaves giving myself a challenging adventure.

But what adventure? That is the crossroads I’m standing in the middle of.

Should the adventure be someplace I go? Something I do? Should it be internal adventure (trust me going through my head/heart could be one)?

Maybe figure out something that does all 3?

Set Backs are a bitch

You are remembered for the rules you break.Douglas MacArthur

Set backs are frustrating. Not so much because they make me work around a problem or through it, but because I’m an impatient person. Very impatient. 🙂

I want things to work out quickly with a fast solution that I can see coming. When I watch a movie I will usually record it just so that I can flip through channels while waiting for the ending of said movie. Or I will fast forward through bits and pieces of the movie so that I can get to the end. And yesI will read the ending of a story just so I know what happens. Then maybe go back and read the actual book.

Unfortunately life doesn’t allow for such short cuts.

Well, I guess it isn’t unfortunate because I’m not sure I’m ready to find out how I die. 😛 But I wouldn’t mind knowing what the otherside is like before I get there. Maybe I won’t have such a bitch of a time with first impressions then.

But right now the only set back I’m annoyed with is that my IBS is trying to flair up. Well, maybe trying is the wrong word. It has flared back up. So I’m back to popping a  mineral supplement that seems to help. But here’s the fun part.

I used to be really good at swallowing pills…food I didn’t like…and now I can’t seem to get these stupid pills down without gagging on them. ~sighs~ And they taste terrible. 😦

I guess it is what it is. But it is still a set back to my health. One of the few things that can get me to act rather than just bitch about it. If I don’t improve by next month I guess I’ll be off to see a professional. >_< Not a good start to getting out of debt.

This is what happens with too much time to kill

Language is the source of misunderstandings. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All has been quiet on the home and work front for the past week. Which leads me to wonder what’s coming down the pipeline. This isn’t good because right now one of the avenues that something could go wrong is Lyo’s health getting worse.

Actually I’ve been think alot about what would happen to me if Lyo wasn’t here. Would I keep the house? Would I be able to keep my shit together long enough to make it through to the other side of grief? 

The scary answer is No.

Maybe that is why I can feel myself sort of shutting down parts of how I feel. I didn’t know I could do that. Nor do I know how long I’ve been doing this. It is kind of odd not to feel upset/pissed off/afraid of what will happen if we don’t get this figured out.

I’m not sure if this just my ignoring how I’m feeling or if I just haven’t figured out what I’m feeling. ~shrugs~ 

Or if this is me after a couple of drinks. 😉


There is a bright side


Some days I wonder how difficult am I to understand? Am I not clear when I give instructions about how to do something?


I know I’m not the best at communicating. I’m a shy person when meeting face to face. And despite my dramatic dream life, I’m not confrontational. This is something that I need to work on, but I’d rather not use people I know as guinea pigs if I can help it.

Which doesn’t leave a lot of room in my life for practicing, but since I don’t really want to over do it works out just fine for me. 😀

Clearing house




Man 1: “Shall I or shan’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I?”

Man 2: “Is he or isn’t he?”

(Points to anyone who knows what TV show that is from.)

It’s been that kind of day and in truth the whole weekend seems to have gone that way. Lots of driving mixed in with stormy weather and a rock hard bed to sleep in. Actually the storm was the one of the better parts of the weekend.

I’ve always enjoyed watching storms. The more violent the better. It is a release of a kind for me. Pent up frustrations, anger, sadness, and anything else I care to throw out into the wind and rain.  Everything is thrown out and I let the storm rage for me.

I even threw my joy, love, and satisfaction into storms.

Emotions were never meant to be negative or positive it was just how I interpreted them. I could keep them or let them go to make room for the new ones waiting to come in.

Some lessons are like a kiss, and some are like my storms.

Maybe it is.

Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way. -Real Live Preacher

I wonder if amusement is a form of forgiveness? I really hope that it is because I have that in spades… as in the shovel not the cards. 😉 I find that when dealing with someone who wants you to feel bad/depressed/hurt/etc over anything and everything it is best to hold onto your funny bone. And give it a few kicks from time to time just to ensure that you can still laugh.

But is it a form of forgiveness?

I’m not sure if it is. Just because I can laugh about insults doesn’t mean that they aren’t echoing in some part of my brain that is still attached to an Idea that has proven time and time again to be a down hill run into Hell.

I’m not sure that I’ve forgiven myself or Madre for the past. Could I have been a better daughter? Probably. Could she have been a better mother? Probably.

But the thing about the past is that you can’t change it. You grew from it. You became who you are because of it.

And I like who I am. I can live with who I am.

Yes that means every little bit of who I am. The Liar. The Witch. The Friend. The Wife. The co-worker. The slightly-something-wrong-with-that-one. The Survivor. The wounded.

I guess if you can be happy with the outcome then it is form of forgiveness. Maybe. 🙂



Failure is an option

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you!

-Tommy Smothers


Well now that the WTF year has finally been closed it is time to start looking forward to something a little more positive. Not that last year forgotten. 🙂 The bills prove that. But perhaps something good this way will come. 😀

I’m not doing the Resolutions this year. Seems I never follow through with them in the end even when they are simple little things like doing NaNo or riding my bike more often. I’d blame Life or other events that happen, but the truth is- I really am that lazy most days.

I’m okay with that. I still plan on doing some riding, writing, and other stuff but I’m not going to make a big deal of it this year. It isn’t worth making myself feel…not exactly bad, but annoyed I suppose. I can accept failure for many things in my life because it is familiar. Success…not so much, but I’m getting better at that too. 😉


Okay somethings do change, just not all that much

No good deed goes unpunished.-Clare Booth Luce

Well, now that the holidays are finally over maybe I can finally relax a bit. I doubt it, but it is worth a shot. And speaking of no good deeds… one of my own is coming back to bite me in the ass.

One of the things that Lyo and I disagree on is dealing with people who want to use me for something. Lyo is all for giving people multiple opportunities to use himself. He tends to call these people friends (or something close to it). For myself- I tend to avoid people who want to use me for something… anything really.

Allow me to introduce you to Sybil. She is Madre’s twin (not by birth but by deed). Growing up Sybil was convinced I was the devil’s advocate and lead her child (a very very good friend of mine) astray. In fact the only thing Sybil and Madre agreed upon was to keep the two of us apart. Which worked out really well… for them.

Long story short here- after Jax died Sybil decided that I would be her new friend.

I’m serious here.

She tracked me down at my job and we went out for lunch. (At these point in my life I was more interested in the next meal than I was being friendly with her, but still I know I opened the door here.) And ever since any time she happens to be in the same area or building she makes a point of stopping by to see me.

Yesterday though was a first- she tracked down Lyo.  😛 While he was at work. Now he wants me to be nicer to her. >_<  He seems to think that the way I live my life these days is closer to what Sybil wanted for Jax. More conventional is how he worded it. He also commented that she seemed to be a really nice lady.

Yes, and a snake is pretty to look at until it bites your hand too.

I’m actually more amused by the whole thing rather than annoyed with Lyo or Sybil.


Because watching/listening to someone go from “she’s the devil’s child” to “I’m so proud of you” is hilarious no matter who you are. 🙂

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