Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “personal growth”

Grateful for my enemies

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
-Oscar Wilde

I think I’ve only had maybe one or three enemies in my life. And by enemies I’m talking about out to kill me one way or another. The bar is set that high for a reason. I don’t think the word enemy should be used lightly.

I’m not saying that I haven’t had people hate me or something I’ve done. I’m sure I have made plenty of people mad for one thing or another. But to be my enemy you have to be trying to kill ME. Any part of ME.

For example-

My first and best remembered enemy was my mother. Her favorite choice of weapons was love, but not in a good way. Not in the way that you put the well being of someone before your own. Her version of love was more along the lines of wanting the other person to conform to her mold. In other words to be an extension of herself. She tried for over 20 years to kill off who I was to become her doppelganger.

But I did learn from her. Which seems really odd to say, but it is still very true. And not the standard ‘I learned the opposite of what she was trying to teach me’ way. I learned from her that everyone needs at least one enemy in their life.

You have to know the value of what you are fighting for. You have to know that it (or in this case yourself) is worth holding onto. You have to prove that whatever you are fighting to the death over is worth it.

I’m still kind of messed up over love and other social interactions because of my past. But I’ve managed to hold onto the core of ME and turn myself into something that I didn’t think was possible in my teen years.

Of course the war with Madre isn’t over yet. Never will be until one of us is dead I suppose. I avoid her because I don’t want to don the gear anymore. I don’t want to fight her because she is my mother. The woman did the best she could with what she had to work with in herself. I don’t hate her for it. But we are still enemies.

An enemy that I am grateful to have and wary of meeting up with again. 😛

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Art and Me

Before you begin a thing, remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead. If you could see them clearly, naturally you could do a great deal to get rid of them but you can’t. You can only see one thing clearly and that is your goal. Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin. –Kathleen Norris

 

Or, as it is often in my case, put the whole mess aside until it becomes clear what you are trying to accomplish. Sometimes it takes awhile to achieve something and other times it seems that Luck, Fate, Destiny or any host of gods/goddesses decides to take a hand in what direction you go. I’ve learned the hard way (a few times :)) that trying to force something is not the way to give it life. For me this applies to work, hobbies, relationships and living in general.

One of my proudest moments was when I had an art showing at a local coffee shop. I think there was a grand total of 5-7 paintings that ended up going on the wall for a month. I got a lot of positive feedback (even one that said I should try to sell them) and encouragement to paint again.

I loved it.

More importantly I loved the release it gave me. This was at a point in my life where I had to make a choice. Go on hating where I had come from and maybe run away to another city where I didn’t have to deal with the people who were involved. Or let go of the hate and make my way to a different ME, one that didn’t have to care what had happened in the past- I couldn’t change it anyways. It had helped shape me, but it didn’t have any power over me if I didn’t want it to.

All that mattered was my opinion.

I was so excited about that show that I immediately signed up for another one the following year. I thought I could pull together another series that this time had little or nothing to do with myself closely. But that venture failed. I learned that I couldn’t force myself to keep myself out of my art work. And as time grew shorter and my opening was little more than months away I realized that as far as painting went. I had said what I needed to say.

But art wasn’t quite done with me just yet. In fact it was an unfinished piece that began to push me toward my Research project this year and toward another spurt of growth for me. 🙂

I may not cling to goals through thick and thin but sometimes I think that it might be better that way. It’s worked so far. 😀

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