Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “Madre”

Maybe it is.

Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way. -Real Live Preacher

I wonder if amusement is a form of forgiveness? I really hope that it is because I have that in spades… as in the shovel not the cards. 😉 I find that when dealing with someone who wants you to feel bad/depressed/hurt/etc over anything and everything it is best to hold onto your funny bone. And give it a few kicks from time to time just to ensure that you can still laugh.

But is it a form of forgiveness?

I’m not sure if it is. Just because I can laugh about insults doesn’t mean that they aren’t echoing in some part of my brain that is still attached to an Idea that has proven time and time again to be a down hill run into Hell.

I’m not sure that I’ve forgiven myself or Madre for the past. Could I have been a better daughter? Probably. Could she have been a better mother? Probably.

But the thing about the past is that you can’t change it. You grew from it. You became who you are because of it.

And I like who I am. I can live with who I am.

Yes that means every little bit of who I am. The Liar. The Witch. The Friend. The Wife. The co-worker. The slightly-something-wrong-with-that-one. The Survivor. The wounded.

I guess if you can be happy with the outcome then it is form of forgiveness. Maybe. 🙂




Unexpected but not a surprise

I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.

Dan Quayle

Still no answers to the Medical Mystery Marathon. And no sign that Lyo is getting any better either. ~sighs~ It shouldn’t surprise anyone that we both are feeling a bit pissed off with the lack of answers. Even me who normally will take a deep breath then plod on waiting for the all too human doctors  to figure it out. But this waiting is annoying.

In other news there was 1 amusing event this weekend. As I was getting ready for bed last night my tablet announced that I had something that required attention. At first I thought it was another voicemail from the Bad People, but it turned out to be from Facebook.

So I check it. And it is one of the last people I expected to see asking to be friends. Madre. I haven’t talked to her willingly talked to her in years and she still hasn’t gotten the message to leave me alone. 

Some things never change.

Moments of Truth

Grief does not change you, it reveals you.John Green

There are unexpected moments in my life where I question if what I’m doing is right. This isn’t like The Question . This is more like re-evaluation than trying to find an answer. Today’s moment was about children.

I’ve decided and taken steps to prevent myself from having any, which in my opinion is great. It really is…but was it the right choice?

Who do I pass on my things to when I die? Who will be there when I’m too old to take care of myself? Who is even going to notice that I’m not alive anymore?

Not the rest of Madre’s clan. For the most part they won’t even notice since we don’t talk much. Not Lyo’s family- most of them dislike me in any event. 😛 I’m not so sure about anyone in Jax’s Pack that I still talk to. They would most likely notice I’m not updating, but as the years roll by I’ve lost touch with most of them so it is up for debate. My own Pack is relatively small and most of them are older than I am so it is likely I’ll be the last member left alive when all is said and done.

So was it really the right choice not to have kids? Not to have someone to pass on my values, thoughts, and loves to.

As sad as it is that I will likely be the last one left… it was and is the right choice for me.

I am a selfish person with no room in my life for miniature humans running around developing their own lives.

Besides- no one really needs another ME running around. 😛

Character List Pt 2: Evil Ones

Those that think it permissible to tell white lies soon grow color blind.
-Austin O’Malley

I don’t know, that quote maybe stretching it a bit for me. 🙂 I happen to think that we all tell lies but is really important is the intent of the lie. Is it to protect someone else? Is it to protect yourself? These lies are perfectly acceptable to me…as long as there is responsibility. If you get caught, don’t lie about it. That just makes you and everyone else who has ever done the same thing look really stupid. At least that has been my experience. 😛

In other news-

Today is JJ’s last day in my office. She’ll be moving across the street to run her own shop, which is good for her. She’ll get to see her family more often (in all the time I’ve been here she’s never taken a vacation) and maybe get to enjoy life a bit more.

The downside is that now I’m stuck with Switch. ~sighs~ I could probably handle it if it didn’t seem like Bitchy Switch was going to hang around for awhile. Although if it gets too bad I’ll be able to let off some steam with Whack Your Boss, a fun little game where you get to murder a person over and over and over again. Great stress relief sometimes. 😀 If you want to know how Bitchy Switch acts, visit the site and press the bottom file drawer. The ‘boss’ is almost word for word Bitchy Switch. ~evil grin~ Which would explain why I moved the files up by my desk. ~laughs~

I’m in kind of  a funny mood today which I’m blaming lack of sleep and no down time yesterday thanks to Muppet and the local stores conspiring not to carry what I needed for dinner.

And speaking of those who annoy, distract, and are in general disliked by me for one reason or another let me introduce you to a few of them. (~evil grin~ Yes I’m in that kind of a mood today.)

  • The Annoyance: aka- The Annoying, Son of a rat whore Bitch, Crazy Fuck. This is actually the title I reserve for all those who come to my door to convert me. Be they Christian, Boy Scout, Pool-a-Thoners, or whatever. Generally though they are religious in nature and will occasionally keep coming back. I think they like the abuse. ~shrugs~
  • The Giant: aka- The Headache People. I’m sure I will have to deal with this group again. Kind of like a hydra they never seem to know what the other head is think or doing. Even though they are supposed to be one of the better insurance companies in the state. (~cough~ Bullshit ~cough cough~)
  • The Ex: There are two things that makes this guy really annoying. One- he never ever tells me what he wants to know. Be it computer problems or just to talk to Lyo about going fishing or maybe hunting. It is a big secret and he really doesn’t want to share. Two- The guy used be our landlord, and is a cheap SOB. He will call Lyo to come install software, hardware, new TV, or anything else because he doesn’t want to pay someone to do it. Or bother asking his family (who is visiting for a day or two) to do it for him. (Nor does the family offer to help.)
  • Auntie Em: Now I know I’m old. ~sighs~ I can get how you’d be confused about filing and where files go for the first couple of weeks on the job. Especially without someone to train you. I can even get how trying to clean up the previous person’s system can be difficult to get done in a month or two…or three. But gods! This lady has managed to misplace, have vanish into thin air, or just wandered away files every…single…..week. I have to scan and email files that are 3 inches thick on occasion to her because the file walked away! ~sighs~
  • Little Woman: One of my next door neighbors. I actually get along with her just fine. And I am even sympathetic about her and her husband having to work out of town to make ends meet. However this is the same lady that knows her dogs (who roam the neighborhood at will when you let them out and are totally loveable hounds) always come over to my house so that Lyo and I can give them doggie treats. We don’t mind because we started it and since we both work and can’t have dogs yet, I get my puppy fix without having to be responsible for them. 🙂 Yet knowing this…LW will let her hounds out at 5 o’clock in the morning or earlier. Not in the back yard. Out in front where they know to go bark at the neighbors. I’ve lost 3 days of sleep because of this. And the last time I scared the hell out of her by showing up at her door with 3 dogs in tow asking that she keep them inside until 7am. (And for some reason I’m the bitch for doing it. ~sighs~)

And last but not least-

  • Madre. I don’t even know where to go with this one without turning it into an entire entry by itself. I’ll keep it basic. Madre is an Obsessive/Compulsive, Religious, Abuser. That about sums it up. She is also my adoptive mother. Growing up with her was…more or less a lesson in survival and being undetected. I kind of failed at the last part through no fault of my own (being the oldest girl it’s hard to be undetected).

Now I am off to sail the choppy seas of work.


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