Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “life”

And life returns

Yes, I know. It has been months and months since I’ve updated here. To be fair I have had a busy winter and an even busier spring.

Not that I have a lot to show for it. 🙂

I had planned on getting a manuscript together for some beta readers later this year, but discovered that I need to do quite a bit of work on it before that can happen. And naturally the small issues rapidly evolved into major issues. Issues like- one event taking place earlier in the story changes how some of the characters interact with each other later on in the story.

Another issue was that some of the characters were becoming too polarized when they were meant to be like everyday normal people who are neither one way nor the other.

Grrr.

So for the past 3 months I have been trying to get the back story fleshed out as well as some world building done.

You would think that I would have done this prior to all my work in November and December. And I really should have, but… you knew that was coming right? …I just don’t work that way.

And then my day job got hectic. My dentist is planning a trip to Disneyland on the profits from my visits. And of course there is the daily life I have at home. I will do it because I want to and that is all that really matters. 😀

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Brief Step Back Into The Spotlight

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Wow…okay so I’m really doing badly on the whole write at least once a week deal I made with myself this year. In fact I think it is pretty safe to say that I completely failed at it. But to be fair I did have a few things occupying my time this year aside from my day job. One of which was kind of depressing in the ‘I don’t want to talk about it too much or I’ll end up in ball on the floor’ type of way. There was also a few health scares one of them my own. And let me tell you there is nothing as frustrating as not getting the attention you deserve and then the hospital staff trying to blame you for their mistakes.

But all in all I survived so no foul called.

The winter season promises to be storm filled this year which will be awesome! But I don’t think the new puppy will be thrilled with it, even if I am (there will be some awesome light shows this year I can feel it!). Yes, Lyo & I got a dog from the local shelter this year (after years and years debating between cat and dog). A sweet little guy Murphy, 1/2 Chihuahua and 1/2 Min Pin, or if you really want to make the boy feel proud call him a MinChi (pardon me while I let the fur settle for a bit after that comment).

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Oh and if anyone ever tells you that dogs continue to ‘grow up’ past the age of 6 months…I bet they haven’t lived with one!

In other news for winter I will be doing NaNoWriMo again this year. I skipped last year because of hunting trips and basically too lazy to do it, but this year….this year I think I may actually have a shot. If you’re in the competition this year too be sure to say ‘Hi’. (Angel S.)

Adventures to plan

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I have fallen out of practice again. Not just in writing, but in my spiritual life as well. And the longer I wait the harder it is going to be to get back into it.

So I need a challenge. An adventure that will scare the hell out of me. ~grins~ Why scare and not thrill? Because I want my adventure to end up with me being stronger and pushing forward. For me thrills just mean that I enjoyed myself and that I probably won’t do it again. Odd but true. I’m not a thrill seeker by any stretch of the imagination so that just leaves giving myself a challenging adventure.

But what adventure? That is the crossroads I’m standing in the middle of.

Should the adventure be someplace I go? Something I do? Should it be internal adventure (trust me going through my head/heart could be one)?

Maybe figure out something that does all 3?

Maybe it is.

Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way. -Real Live Preacher

I wonder if amusement is a form of forgiveness? I really hope that it is because I have that in spades… as in the shovel not the cards. 😉 I find that when dealing with someone who wants you to feel bad/depressed/hurt/etc over anything and everything it is best to hold onto your funny bone. And give it a few kicks from time to time just to ensure that you can still laugh.

But is it a form of forgiveness?

I’m not sure if it is. Just because I can laugh about insults doesn’t mean that they aren’t echoing in some part of my brain that is still attached to an Idea that has proven time and time again to be a down hill run into Hell.

I’m not sure that I’ve forgiven myself or Madre for the past. Could I have been a better daughter? Probably. Could she have been a better mother? Probably.

But the thing about the past is that you can’t change it. You grew from it. You became who you are because of it.

And I like who I am. I can live with who I am.

Yes that means every little bit of who I am. The Liar. The Witch. The Friend. The Wife. The co-worker. The slightly-something-wrong-with-that-one. The Survivor. The wounded.

I guess if you can be happy with the outcome then it is form of forgiveness. Maybe. 🙂

 

 

Failure is an option

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you!

-Tommy Smothers

 

Well now that the WTF year has finally been closed it is time to start looking forward to something a little more positive. Not that last year forgotten. 🙂 The bills prove that. But perhaps something good this way will come. 😀

I’m not doing the Resolutions this year. Seems I never follow through with them in the end even when they are simple little things like doing NaNo or riding my bike more often. I’d blame Life or other events that happen, but the truth is- I really am that lazy most days.

I’m okay with that. I still plan on doing some riding, writing, and other stuff but I’m not going to make a big deal of it this year. It isn’t worth making myself feel…not exactly bad, but annoyed I suppose. I can accept failure for many things in my life because it is familiar. Success…not so much, but I’m getting better at that too. 😉

 

Well, on the bright side it has a name now

Every patient carries her or his own doctor inside.-Albert Schweitzer

Okay I think I’m better now. Or at least I’m focusing on a different problem altogether for the moment. Plus it helps that Lyo did apologize for making it sound like the whole thing was my fault. Nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like admitting you were wrong. 😉

So it seems as if my health issues will be ongoing… as in for the rest of my life ongoing. ~sighs~ It seems I have IBS in its Alternating form. 😦 At least that is how the symptoms read when I go through the list. Official confirmation will have to wait until I get back from the Trip. Until then I’m experimenting with different supplements and recently starting taking some Probiotics to control what symptoms I do and will have.

What really bites about IBS is that some of the food/drink they tell you to avoid are my favorites. Caffeine, alcohol, dairy, and of course wheat.

Can someone please tell me what I’ve done in my past lives to deserve this? 😦

Apparently I’m not an adult…

Wisdom is what’s left after we’ve run out of personal opinions.-Cullen Hightower

It has been a long time since I’ve felt this…darkness. Traditionally when this comes up I’d stay home, drink, play loud music, and maybe engage in some self-destructive behavior. But home is no longer a safe place to do such things. All I can do there is close out the world and sleep. Which doesn’t exactly help the pent up energy I have right now.

It kind of sucks when you don’t have a place where you can just…crash and burn…then get up and go about your normal life. Either someone wants you to do something or crash themselves. Or they expect you to just get over it and be an adult.

I’m sorry, but when did becoming an adult mean that one is not entitled to express negative emotions?

I’m so tired of giving and just having shit thrown back at me. Taking the blame for crap that isn’t even my fault nor my idea.

When did I become responsible for the whole fucking world?

I’m tired of trying to hold everything together and be the support system. I’ve done it for years.

But I forgot the first and hardest lesson that I got from Madre.

Love is just the key to get past your defenses and wound you deeper than anyone else can.

Basically, for now, –

Love isn’t worth Shit.

Yes it is an excuse…

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. –John Benfield

Well it seems my hiatus from writing is trying to start early this year. It is the downside of being the only one who writes here. Oh well. 😉

Not much happening in my world these days so I’ll just run through the highlights-

  1. Passed all the final tests so I can finally schedule my national and state exams (if they ever let me).
  2. Kissed the money good bye and sent a check to the state.
  3. Been pissed off at Lyo for putting the Gypsy Trailer ahead of me then blaming ME for the whole bloody thing.
  4. Dug myself out of the hole I dug for myself just in time to dig a new one during November.
  5. Decided on a Zombie themed Halloween this year.

And that has been the excitement and lows for me over the past few weeks/days/however long it has been since I’ve written.

You wouldn’t think that so little can take up so much space in one’s life, but there you go. My excuses for not writing. Pitiful but very very true.

When I get pissed off I’m the last person who will raise their voice and scream about it. Instead I try to talk myself out of it by telling myself that I shouldn’t give a shit or that I don’t need that person. Or that I am being an unreasonable bitch about the whole thing.

That last one is kind of tricky.

I’m predisposed to believing that it really isn’t ME that people are interested in. Rather it is what I can give them as a friend/lover/IT guru/etc. So the more I tell myself that I’m being unreasonable about being pissed the more depressed I can get.

I don’t go nearly as far as I used to, but it is still a big Trigger for me.

Weapons of Mass Destruction?

Hell, let them live with Madre for 3 months and they’ll be ready to slit their own throats. 😛

If I’m not mistaken…that’s a storm cloud on the Horizon.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.-Gustave Flaubert

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to be selfish. If I got a present for my birthday/Christmas/etc. I was expected to share it with the whole family. Even money received for graduation to help me get started in life was supposed to be shared with the family (not that I was a financial guru at the time or anything).

These days I admit I’m often more selfish than is sometimes advisable for an adult who has supposedly learned to play nicely with others. I’m okay with that because the conclusion I’ve come to is that a person is allowed to be selfish during 1 period of their lifetime.

You can be selfish in your childhood or you can be selfish as an adult.

But you can’t have both.

At least I can’t.

 

In other news- I still haven’t heard from the government about if we owe them money or not.  My family is in the area but haven’t bothered to get in touch with me (big surprise there). And Lyo is still trying to decide if I’m drinking again or if I’m just being really really weird. Even for me. 😛

Yep Life seems to be normal again. I wonder what I can do to screw it up this time?

I should learn to keep quiet…

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.-Bertrand Russell

I still haven’t come up with anything to do as a Project just yet, but ideas are randomly showing up. Though usually it is as 4 am when I’m 1/2 asleep and aware that my brain is pulling shit out of the old files it keeps. Where else can you get monsters, sex slaves, cowboys, Steven King, and movie soundtracks from 4 years ago to make sense.

I don’t argue though. It is too entertaining to argue with. And by the time I fall completely asleep (6 am) I’m woken up by Lyo tossing and turning 5 minutes later. Which would explain the need for gallons of coffee and sugar for most of the day. 😉

And even though I’ve yet to come up with a solid Project I am doing battle again with the government. This time on behalf of my dead father-in-law…or rather his estate (which doesn’t actually exist in the here and now either).

It seems that someone forgot to pass along the message to EAU that there is no money to be had. I’m going to say that Lady Jean is behind this mistake (not to mention she didn’t give EAU our correct address).

The way it was supposed to work is that Dad’s pay would go into an account that we were not to touch until after his death. Then Medicaid through the state was supposed to have first dibs.

The way it worked out instead was- Dad’s pay went into the account then out to the care facility where he stayed as per the instruction of the Senior Services person I finally managed to talk to (since Lady Jean wasn’t talking to me).

So now I am waiting to hear back from EAU. Which means I’ll have to call them this afternoon if I get the chance. I’d like to get this cleared up before Labor Day.

And just for the record-

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