It takes a lot to be one’s self every day. Some days it is a minute by hour struggle not to become someone else just to keep people at bay.
I often lose these fights. 🙂
For one reason or another I edit myself so that only part of ME is exposed at any given time. I do this at work. At home. Yes, even here to an extent, though honestly I’m less edited in the written version than the live one. 😀
But growing up I was often told that other people’s opinions of me mattered more than what I thought about me. I was to make sure that I showed myself and my family in a good light. Our dirty little secrets were to be kept private even from other family members so that we could portray the Perfect Family. And I’m not talking the accepted perfect family. I’m talking about Bill Cosby, Nelson and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, and Andy Griffith perfect family.
It is a lot of pressure to put on someone to be perfect. It is even more pressure on them when they fail and you give them the idea that imperfect is evil/dirty/worthless. That headtrip alone is worth a few years in therapy.Since therapy wasn’t really an option for me I had to find another way to deal with my anger issues, my selfworth issues, and my risky behaviors. But it really boiled down to one thing. Even in a crowd I could only depend on ME. No one else was going to take care of me. No one else was going to protect me. No one else was going to be ME. So why in the hell did I care about what they thought of me?
As long as I could pay my bills with enough left over to support my habits (good and bad) I was good. I could make my own choices, my own rules. No one could vote on how I lived my life.So instead of a lightbulb moment I had more of a sunrise over months.I often found myself slipping backward to this person I didn’t want to be and I would force myself to get out of the situation I put myself in. Usually not in the most adult manner either. 😛 But hey, the results worked.
Stalker one night stands- go say hi to the wife and kids.
Evil co-worker being bitchy- stop talking to her.Madre comes around- leave the building.
As long as I can look in the mirror in the morning and smile…it can’t have been too bad right? 🙂