Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “family”

Embrace yourself first. Everyone else can wait.


It takes a lot to be one’s self every day. Some days it is a minute by hour struggle not to become someone else just to keep people at bay.

I often lose these fights. 🙂

For one reason or another I edit myself so that only part of ME is exposed at any given time. I do this at work. At home. Yes, even here to an extent, though honestly I’m less edited in the written version than the live one. 😀

But growing up I was often told that other people’s opinions of me mattered more than what I thought about me. I was to make sure that I showed myself and my family in a good light. Our dirty little secrets were to be kept private even from other family members so that we could portray the Perfect Family. And I’m not talking the accepted perfect family. I’m talking about Bill Cosby, Nelson and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, and Andy Griffith perfect family.

It is a lot of pressure to put on someone to be perfect. It is even more pressure on them when they fail and you give them the idea that imperfect is evil/dirty/worthless. That headtrip alone is worth a few years in therapy.Since therapy wasn’t really an option for me I had to find another way to deal with my anger issues, my selfworth issues, and my risky behaviors. But it really boiled down to one thing. Even in a crowd I could only depend on ME. No one else was going to take care of me. No one else was going to protect me. No one else was going to be ME. So why in the hell did I care about what they thought of me?
As long as I could pay my bills with enough left over to support my habits (good and bad) I was good. I could make my own choices, my own rules. No one could vote on how I lived my life.So instead of a lightbulb moment I had more of a sunrise over months.I often found myself slipping backward to this person I didn’t want to be and I would force myself to get out of the situation I put myself in. Usually not in the most adult manner either. 😛 But hey, the results worked.
Stalker one night stands- go say hi to the wife and kids.
Evil co-worker being bitchy- stop talking to her.Madre comes around- leave the building.
As long as I can look in the mirror in the morning and smile…it can’t have been too bad right? 🙂


Let lies be

Partying is such sweet sorrow.
-Robert Byrne

When are you honest? When does being honest hurt your chances at a job/relationship/etc?

There really isn’t a good answer if you think of yourself as an honest person in the traditional sense of honor (meaning being good/noble/etc.). Either you admit to lying a touch (or more) or you are willing to risk yourself by answering a question completely honest.

Now I know where I fall on that scale. It depends on the person but I will do both…just not at the same time. Like with Buck when he asked me about my old job. I liked it. I had fun with it. And I got fired for violating the confidential information clause in my contract. (That was the reason The Lady gave. I still don’t know what the hell I did to violate it.)

Now normally if the person was a potential employer I wouldn’t tell them about the fired bit. I would simply say that I was let go. But Buck and JJ have been dealing with The Lady’s bad graces longer than I have so I wasn’t all that concerned about tell him.  Even if he is a potential employer.

Then during the nightly entertainment with Lyo. He teases me and asks if I’ve ever lied to him. And I said not that I can remember. Not the best answer in the world, but an honest one. And gods am I glad my memory only goes back a week or two before it makes a leap to my teen years. 😀

See I do believe in being honest. Just not all the time. 😛 And definitely not all the time. Gods know what kind of trouble I could get into with an attitude like that. Though I did have it at one time. ~shudders~ Luckily I’m lazy and it only lasted a day or two. Sometimes it is just better to let the lie be the truth for some people.


Cast of Characters Pt. 1

Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
-G. K. Chesterton

So I thought I would introduce you to all the people in my life that I consider important since they are part of the reason for my writing here. That I need someplace to keep track of what names I’ve given them online. 😀

I’ve divided the people up into Pack and Friends. Pack are closer than friends and better than the family you grew up with. Friends are just about anyone else who I am somewhat close to, but only partly.

First up my Pack:

  • Lyo (aka: My Mate, Mine, Hubby, Husband) : He is a big teddy bear when it comes to just about anything. We do have our moments, but all in all- I got a good deal when we hooked up. And I hope I show that to him every day. 🙂
  • Jax (1979 – 2009): Even though she gone Jax is still one of the biggest influences in my life. She and I knew each other from our teen years and even after some rocky reconnects we managed to stay close. 🙂 I still think about her everyday. I don’t keep in touch with the rest of her Pack as often as I would like, but for the past 3 years I haven’t been online much… In any event- those in her Pack that I know pretty well (I think) are Cate, Max, Kim,Torian, Kadin and Tianna. They show up here occasionally too.
  • Matt: Out of all the people I’ve met through Jax’s Pack Matt is the one I’ve kept in touch with most frequently. I always kind of picture him as a younger brother that I love hanging out with to either annoy, torment, or laugh with. Mostly all of them. 😀

Now for my friends-

  • JJ: I’ve worked with JJ for awhile now. Funny, smart, and extremely honest about most things. JJ can be a bit of sneak at times (okay maybe a lot of the time), but that is what makes working with JJ so fun. You never know what’s coming up.
  • Switch: Switch is…well a light switch. You never know if it is going to be a good day and have Talkative Switch in or  if it’s one of the bad days and Bitchy Switch or Snarky Switch is coming in. Debate Switch can be fun since I enjoy crushing preconceptions on just about anything if I can help it. And Debate Switch gets it going every time. 🙂 Also Switch has this habit of raising her voice an octave or two when she thinks your not listening to what she says…or if she disagrees with you. Annoying but I try to keep remember she isn’t really yelling.
  • JonBoy: Oh, where to start with Jonnie? The only person I’ve seen more disorganized and clutter prone was Jax and she had good reason to be. JonBoy is just everywhere. He can’t help it or so it seems. And I do take pity on those that can’t understand computers. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty good at the level I am at. JonBoy can’t even get a computer powered on without a button that says start. Gods know why someone gave him a Windows 8 laptop, but I doubt he’s used it more than twice since I set it up for him. ~sighs~
  • Lyssa: Someone I met during NaNo. She is fun and quirky (yellow galoshes) and a writer. She has lots of stories to tell about the places she’s been.
  • Mira: Another NaNo person who is as much a coffee hound as I am. She writes professionally which I would love to do, but it makes hanging out with her sometimes hard to do. That and the fact that she lives 3 hours away.
  • Muppet: Here is another of my wayward cases. Although she does have some skills with a computer it mainly focuses on searches and emails. Not bad. She reminds me of an innocent kid who is stepping out into the real world for the first time. Except in Muppet’s case she’s been out there before. I worry about her, but aside from helping her out with a few odds and ends we aren’t really that close so I can’t really give her advice. That and she is a huge history buff. So Muppet and Lyo get along great. 🙂

All of these people have some sort of impact on my life…and its been a good thing. I’ve left out the people I don’t like because honestly….I don’t feel like drudging up the old arguments and feelings. Today is about celebrating the people that I like. And while this list isn’t a complete one its the best I can do for now. 🙂

So far this year-

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
-Paul Fix

Or you let your thoughts direct where they want to go. 🙂

So far so good this year. My thoughts have stayed relatively on track and that translates into me sticking to my diet…mostly. 😛 I have managed to lose 5 lbs since starting a few weeks ago and a pant size. Yay me!

Although….I have strayed from my Research in favor of another topic that I’m curious about. And then there is the working on the back stories for my next attempt at NaNo later this year. I’m guessing I’ll get back to my Research later this year.

I have managed to talk to Lyo about maybe taking a weekend off in March or April (whenever Spring Break isn’t) for our vacation down south. And here’s a shock- he actually agreed to go. 😀 Okay so not much of a shock, but it is encouraging.

I have yet to go out to the range with my bow or my pistol, but then again even when the weather is sunny it is freezing outside. We barely get out of the 30s before noon. So I may have to wait a bit on that.

I have started to become a little more active on FB and Google+ over the last month as well. 🙂 Not really doing much other than liking or posting random quotes or happy faces, but it is a step in the right direction as far as keeping in touch with a few people.

It’s how I found out about my nephew’s pneumonia and the fact that he’s had other respiratory problems in the past. ‘Cause you know my sister can’t pick up a phone and talk to me. Seeing how it is my fault that family is such a mess. 😦 I’m not sure if I’m for or against her posting information like that on FB, but…I guess at least it keeps me in touch in a round about way. Besides…that’s how a few family members found out that Lyo and I got married too. 😀

So all in all…I’d say not a bad start to the year. I am going to add one more thing to my list though.

For one month (I’m not sure when) I will post every day. It may not be more than a quote or a comment, but it will be something. 🙂 I’ll let you know when I plan to start that as soon as I know. 😀

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