Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “dreams”

I wouldn’t mind more sleep, but hold the dreams….

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So I made it back from camp and it was…interesting. Snow, rain, wind, and mind numbing cold. Fun times. 😉 And just think I’ll be heading back out there soon for another round.

The Gypsy Trailer did great! And even the tiny black truck that pulled it did fine though it won’t be doing that again. I now have great sympathy for those trailers going down the road at 1/2 the speed limit. Of course that sympathy probably will fade by next summer. 😀 But a girl can’t be perfect. Besides we did pull over frequently to let the other cars go by so in a way- we are the better drivers. 😉

On the IBS front…I’m learning. Such as I learned that yes I can drink 13 beers in one night and still be normal (for me) the next day. I also learned that if I do that I should probably take my medication the day following the next morning unless I’m traveling with a guy that won’t stop at rest stops when you them out. >_<

After we got back I spent the most of the first night trying to get my brain to shut up so I could sleep. It didn’t help that I read The Shining just before bed. And it didn’t help that I was trying to remember what the hell I did with the toys I thought I took to camp. Luckily those toys didn’t make it to camp, but I couldn’t get out of bed to check their locations.

Just another typical night.

 

Try Carol next door

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
-Lily Tomlin

Oh what a day. Serious driving for 8 hours and then more emotional stuff that I’m not good at. I’m trying to be better but so far…no luck. 😛

I think some part of me is hoping there will be something negative will happen just so that I can play the hero. I like the idea of playing the hero, but I know myself too well to allow that particular delusion to take root. I’m no one’s hero.

There is something sobering and liberating knowing that you don’t have to be the hero. That you are just another person who is just as powerful as the person next to you. You don’t have the added responsibility of being responsible for anyone other than yourself.

Gotta love that. 😀

Tell me a story

Eleanor Roosevelt Quote

I freely admit that my life is spent trying to pay bills so that I can spend most of my time dreaming. Daydreams, nightmares, true dreams, dreams in general, and any other type of dreaming I embrace them. Or at least I try to.

When I’m dreaming I’m telling a story to myself. I can rewrite history or simply live in a moment over and over again for as long as I want in dreams. I don’t have to worry if the words are right or if the voices fit. I instinctively know what is right and what is wrong. And I can fix what is wrong. 

I love stories. You can often get my attention with a story… nearly anyone can. From the kid who just got home from their first day at school to a 90 year old who wants to tell me about their childhood. And no story is the same no matter how many times you hear it or read it something is different.

Stories are everywhere.

I mean that. Anything and everything can be a story. I can look at a dandelion seed floating on the air and wonder where it came from or where it is going. I will wonder if it will survive or if it will die. I’ll stare at a stream of water running down the street and wonder where it is going and what would happen if I suddenly shrunk and had a boat where it would take me.

I think I spent a little too much time watching nature and after school specials as a kid. 😀

I don’t mind though. Because life is more interesting with stories. If I can find the story in something, like chemistry, then I have to find out what happens or how it happened.

I wonder what the story will be today. 😉 

I can cause my own anxiety thank you

If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. -Laurence J. Peter

Well, the Great Experiment has finally reached the starting line. 🙂 As soon as it finishes installing I’ll be good to get going.

So far the drama is still down to nearly nothing. Which I suppose is good. But the dreams I’ve been getting are weird enough that I’m starting to get concerned. And I haven’t been watching anything really all that…troubling?…scary?…disturbing?

Mostly it has been Top Chef on reruns, Project Runway (again on reruns), a few Syfy movies that I recorded in the middle of the night, and of course the books I’ve been reading are pretty tame considering.

So what is with the odd/weird dreams of late?

The reason this question is becoming important is because I don’t always attribute my dreams to being just from my subconscious. Sometimes I think there is more behind the dream than just what your mind creates. Be it gods, angels, demons, psychic ability whatever- sometimes there is just more. Sometimes dreams are a little bit prophetic.

This has happened to me on a few occasions. A card game. A phrase. A situation that has never happened before suddenly has a feeling of deja vu.

The times this has happened I can probably count on one hand. Each time though something has happened directly afterwards that changed the course of my life in varying degrees. Some of it okay and sometimes not so much.

So now I’m a little on edge and trying to tell myself that life will be okay no matter what comes down the pipe line. The problem is…I only 1/2 believe it. 😛

Stress?….what stress?

So. This whole wedding thing is about to become an actual Thing now. Something I hadn’t planned on, not going the way I want it to, and it has Lyo yelling at me because I’m pissed off at my lack of perfection for a wedding flier because he forgot to tell people that it was potluck gathering after the 10 minute ceremony (that I wanted to be 2 minutes, but can’t because of his sister). Yeah…not the least bit problematic at all.

What I don’t get is why I am hurt over this. Why is it my fault for not taking care of the whole bloody mess when I know Lyo likes to put things off to the last minute? Why am I the one who is responsible for it? This whole thing isn’t even going close to MY idea of a wedding. This wasn’t even close to how I wanted to do things, but that is a bit late to change now isn’t it. Besides- I did suggest my idea and Lyo wasn’t fond of it so we had to compromise. He gets the ceremony to please his sister (grrr) and I get the Not A Reception Reception. Fair right?

I ask him, I tell him, I’ve been reminding him of this since this whole fucked up mess got going that I wanted one that was similar to a friend’s reception which was everyone bring something to eat (finger food, etc) and your own drinks. It isn’t so much a reception as an excuse to have a party. Easy idea. Nothing to it. Just tell the people we want to invite. Now…

He wants to put up a bloody flier or hand out invitations or some other thing. And who has to come up with something? Who gets to have people she doesn’t even like all that well at this Thing?

No…this isn’t a wedding anymore….it is a bloody, fucking Thing that I’m only going through because 1. I do love him. 2. If we make it through this….we can pretty much handle anything. 3. I’m not moving all my stuff again if anything happens to Lyo. I WILL stay in that house.

But trust me …..unless there is a REALLY good reason for getting married….avoid it. It isn’t worth the hurt feelings and starry eyed dreams being shattered to jump into getting married.

This Road I’m On…

Sometimes it amazes me…and by it I mean my life. Yes I admit it, I am amazed by my life at times. And today happens to be one of those days. Not because I’ve done anything to be amazed about (gods know that is true enough ~wry grin~) but because if you had asked me what my life would be like there wouldn’t be one thing that I could’ve pinned down that is actually true today.

I guess this became apparent to me today because of Switch. We were talking about education and our differing thoughts on it. She thought the system should be standardized but not paid for. I thought it should be both since not everyone can afford to pay for it. She thought that having it paid for (read: free education) was a bad idea (read: she thought it was bull shit) and I ended up explaining about Madre and those dark years.

That’s the part of the tale that only some know. Beside everyone has hell in their past right? ~chuckles~ Mine wasn’t so bad…well, perhaps it would be better to say that it could have been much much much worse- but it was bad enough for me. Financial ruin before I even knew what that meant. Mental abuse that resulted in an odd way of thinking not to mention the years of rebuilding what self-worth I have. And some physical abuse that was oddly easier to survive than the mental.

I didn’t go into the abuse parts with Switch (I really don’t need those rumors flying around again). However after explaining the financial reasons why I didn’t go to college out of high school Switch asked me why I was still here in this county.

I almost laughed out loud. Because I honestly didn’t know why I was. I never planned on it. At some point I had pictured myself living elsewhere, but I stayed. And truth be told I’m glad those plans I made fell through and travel was never possible. Because if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have met Lyo. I wouldn’t be getting married in two weeks. I wouldn’t have my Library.

I wouldn’t have who I am today.

And I think…that is where plans and dreams sometimes fail a person. One could become so wrapped up in their plans/dreams that they totally lose sight of themselves….who and what they are NOW as opposed to a tomorrow that may not come to be.

Now that isn’t to say that plans and dreams have no place (dreams especially are something that I strive to keep going). They are guides of where I want to go not who I am. They can be changed rather painlessly where as trying to change who I am is more like a dying a bit at a time…and sometimes in big pieces.

Some will say that who you are changes every day or little bit each day, but I tend to think the part of a person that is truly them doesn’t change all that much through out time. Not without those dark years we all have. 😀

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