Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the tag “death”

Well there went that plan

Without the capacity to provide its own information, the mind drifts into randomness.-Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Nope, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. πŸ™‚ Life isn’t that easy on the living… at least from what I’ve seen. And it sure can fuck up the best of plans. Not that mine were all that great, but I did have hope for them.

Oh well.

So aside from death not much has been occupying my time of late. Funny how someone you haven’t really talked to in years can have that effect on you. Made all the more sad in light of the fact that there are members of that family who say one thing, but don’t bother trying to get in touch.

I supposed I should be the grown up and get in touch with them, but in all honesty… why would I?

Meh. I hate adult thinking. It gets me into trouble more often than not.

So needless to say I didn’t get started on NaNo, and while I could probably make up the time I don’t like rushing stories. Not like this. Not when my head is somewhere else. And I think it will wait until next year or maybe later this winter. We’ll see.

Right now…

Right now I’m having trouble just coming up with a present for Lyo. Can someone tell me why men are soo damn hard to shop for?!? ~sighs~ So back into the fray I go. To find a present that will likely never get used. πŸ˜›


I think I can I think I can

Never explain–your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.Β -Elbert Hubbard

You know how you always glance at a car wreck as you go by or stare at someone on the street corner who looks amusing/odd. Well that has been my week. Lyo’s Dad died 2 days ago, and The Sibling War that had been quiet is now back up and going strong.

Ms. Silent hasn’t spoken to Lyo or anyone else in the family for 3 years is now on a campaign of spewing venom. Β Lyo and I didn’t have a phone number for her that worked so we posted on FB instead of trying to call far flung relatives. Seemed like such a good idea at the time. πŸ˜›

Nope. We were wrong. Ms. Silent claims that she didn’t even know Dad was sick. Which is odd considering that everyone at the family reunion Β knew he was sick and that was nearly 5 years ago. ~shrugs~

And now she has everyone miserable because of what she might do. Apparently she is a sue happy bitch who doesn’t care if she wastes the court’s time or anyone else’s. 😦

And I get to be the buffer and wall for all of this.

Did I mention I’m not good with emotional shit? I’m really not. Especially strong emotions that are negative or neutral depending on the situation. Emotions like hurt, anger, fear, and sadness are the easiest for me to pick up. The down side is I usually end up feeling like they are my own emotions if I’m in an enclosed space with that person.

~sighs~ Oh well. I can’t bitch about it now. I’ve got work to do.

1. Keep Lyo and Ms. Silent apart.

2. Make arrangements for Dad’s service (this being Saturday…not likely much going to happen there).

3. Keep my bloody mouth shut when it comes to family members and how to deal with them. (Seriously- what is so bloody hard about not talking to them? Just walk the fuck away. If they want to argue/bitch to the air let them. Those that are friends or those who love you aren’t going to listen to them. And no one else’s opinion counts.)

4. Make last trip to Dad’s room and pick up his stuff.


I just have to remember one other thing.


I can do that…right?


This bites and I can’t fix it

Maybe it was only a second of your time, but you need to treasure life, every second.Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

Bah. The ride isn’t over yet I fear. It seems to me that I’ve been on this emotional thrill ride long enough, but apparently it isn’t done with me.

Actually the weekend started out alright. Lyo was a little miffed because it was the end of his vacation, but he was doing ok. Then when we were out at the Pit we get a call from Dad’s nurses. He is declining again. Not unexpected, but painful. Very painful. (That and we though my Jim-E was broken. It wasn’t and I ended up with a Taurus anyways.)

So yesterday Lyo and I ended up in the Valley to meet with the hospice people (who were very nice) and to see Dad. Or rather see Dad’s body. I hope to hell he isn’t in there still. I don’t like to think of anyone still trapped in their body while it takes its time dying. ~shudder~ Gods it sucks for him. And for Lyo who had to say goodbye.

Death is never an ending. If you’re the one dying then maybe it could be, but I choose to believe that there is something after this. Heaven, hell, or maybe a huge party. Just something.

But for those who can’t go…yeah…Death doesn’t end a damn thing. I can accept that for me, but I don’t think I can for Lyo. Which pisses me off for no other reason than it does. But I can’t make what is normal for us now the normal after Dad dies. It doesn’t work that way. Or at least it shouldn’t.

Death is supposed to change things. You can’t know how or what kind of change. But it changes everything. And at least for me it pisses me off when the world doesn’t acknowledge that something has changed. And all the ‘i’m sorry’ s just don’t cover it. 😦

Word of advice- never say “I’m sorry”at a funeral…at least not at mine. I may be dead, but if I can I’ll come back and kick your ass for it. πŸ˜›

Celebrating a Spirit and Remembering a Life

β€œPositive outlook I want in my life, Warm thoughts and firm persistence, I want to be generous, outgoing to all, For these I need your assistance.”

Today is going to be a challenge to have a positive outlook, but not impossible. That is something I’m learning…slowly. πŸ™‚Β  Two years ago I ‘lost’ one of the most important people in my life. But here’s the thing, I still feel her with me on occasion so she really isn’t completely gone. I just can’t give her a hug or show her something that I think she would like. And that my friends is what I’m truly missing.

I suppose you could say that I’ve gotten used to not having my friend around in the physical sense, but there are still days that it hurts more than anything. Yet today is a celebration of sorts. She went where I can only dream of going right now. She knows things I can only guess at. And I can tell you she is having fun discovering everything there is know about that new place. Just to rub it in my face when I get there. πŸ™‚

For those that believe in reincarnation (I’m uncertain on that front) I think she probably would come back as a blackbird or maybe the small hummingbird that has been hanging around for the past month. πŸ™‚Β  Honestly I’m not sure what she would come back as. It is kind of hard to imagine her being forced back here, though if given the chance she might.

That was one thing that I always loved and sometimes became frustrated about her. The lack of anything resembling a solid plan. These days though I have learned that sometimes that is a good thing. πŸ™‚Β 

So I will raise a glass, light the candles and incense, and play the songs that remind me of her the most. And I will remember all she taught me about life and love. I will celebrate her spirit that goes on. In short…I’m going to try to put a positive spin on the day. πŸ™‚

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