Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

There is a bright side


Some days I wonder how difficult am I to understand? Am I not clear when I give instructions about how to do something?


I know I’m not the best at communicating. I’m a shy person when meeting face to face. And despite my dramatic dream life, I’m not confrontational. This is something that I need to work on, but I’d rather not use people I know as guinea pigs if I can help it.

Which doesn’t leave a lot of room in my life for practicing, but since I don’t really want to over do it works out just fine for me. ๐Ÿ˜€


Clearing house




Man 1:ย “Shall I or shan’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I?”

Man 2:ย “Is he or isn’t he?”

(Points to anyone who knows what TV show that is from.)

It’s been that kind of day and in truth the whole weekend seems to have gone that way. Lots of driving mixed in with stormy weather and a rock hard bed to sleep in. Actually the storm was the one of the better parts of the weekend.

I’ve always enjoyed watching storms. The more violent the better. It is a release of a kind for me. Pent up frustrations, anger, sadness, and anything else I care to throw out into the wind and rain. ย Everything is thrown out and I let the storm rage for me.

I even threw my joy, love, and satisfaction into storms.

Emotions were never meant to be negative or positive it was just how I interpreted them. I could keep them or let them go to make room for the new ones waiting to come in.

Some lessons are like a kiss, and some are like my storms.

Maybe it is.

Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.ย -Real Live Preacher

I wonder if amusement is a form of forgiveness? I really hope that it is because I have that in spades… as in the shovel not the cards. ๐Ÿ˜‰ย I find that when dealing with someone who wants you to feel bad/depressed/hurt/etc over anything and everything it is best to hold onto your funny bone. And give it a few kicks from time to time just to ensure that you can still laugh.

But is it a form of forgiveness?

I’m not sure if it is. Just because I can laugh about insults doesn’t mean that they aren’t echoing in some part of my brain that is still attached to an Idea that has proven time and time again to be a down hill run into Hell.

I’m not sure that I’ve forgiven myself or Madre for the past. Could I have been a better daughter? Probably. Could she have been a better mother? Probably.

But the thing about the past is that you can’t change it. You grew from it. You became who you are because of it.

And I like who I am. I can live with who I am.

Yes that means every little bit of who I am. The Liar. The Witch. The Friend. The Wife. The co-worker. The slightly-something-wrong-with-that-one. The Survivor. The wounded.

I guess if you can be happy with the outcome then it is form of forgiveness. Maybe. ๐Ÿ™‚



As if I needed to….

Once is Enough.ย 

Twice is a Death Sentence.


I’m not heartless….at least I hope I’m not. But there are times when being a sociopath is a very good thing. In my case…..well Little Sister finally found her backbone (now I can break it) which isn’t as strong as she would like me to think.

For some reason she hates me. To quote via copy and paste:


Go to hell you dumb cunt!!! You are a cold heartless selfish bitch!! You were lucky enough to b well taken care I fed roof over your head etc. and pretty much anything you wanted or needed when ur whore of a birth mother didn’t want you and u treat our mother like shit when all she does is love u and want and need u in her life! And what’s even more sad is the fact my children have been begging her to call u or stop and see you and when he does I get a message from you like this?? U need major mental health!!! I seriously started to listen to Ben and was considering trying to have u b apart of my children and my life but I knew I was right your fuckin way to rediculous and way to fuckin weird for me and mine!!!!!


Someday…..this too will Balance out.


I’m just not sure I’ll make it worth my while. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Failure is an option

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you!

-Tommy Smothers


Well now that the WTF year has finally been closed it is time to start looking forward to something a little more positive. Not that last year forgotten. ๐Ÿ™‚ The bills prove that. But perhaps something good this way will come. ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m not doing the Resolutions this year. Seems I never follow through with them in the end even when they are simple little things like doing NaNo or riding my bike more often. I’d blame Life or other events that happen, but the truth is- I really am that lazy most days.

I’m okay with that. I still plan on doing some riding, writing, and other stuff but I’m not going to make a big deal of it this year. It isn’t worth making myself feel…not exactly bad, but annoyed I suppose. I can accept failure for many things in my life because it is familiar. Success…not so much, but I’m getting better at that too. ๐Ÿ˜‰


Okay somethings do change, just not all that much

No good deed goes unpunished.-Clare Booth Luce

Well, now that the holidays are finally over maybe I can finally relax a bit. I doubt it, but it is worth a shot. And speaking of no good deeds… one of my own is coming back to bite me in the ass.

One of the things that Lyo and I disagree on is dealing with people who want to use me for something. Lyo is all for giving people multiple opportunities to use himself. He tends to call these people friends (or something close to it). For myself- I tend to avoid people who want to use me for something… anything really.

Allow me to introduce you to Sybil. She is Madre’s twin (not by birth but by deed). Growing up Sybil was convinced I was the devil’s advocate and lead her child (a very very good friend of mine) astray. In fact the only thing Sybil and Madre agreed upon was to keep the two of us apart. Which worked out really well… for them.

Long story short here- after Jax died Sybil decided that I would be her new friend.

I’m serious here.

She tracked me down at my job and we went out for lunch. (At these point in my life I was more interested in the next meal than I was being friendly with her, but still I know I opened the door here.) And ever since any time she happens to be in the same area or building she makes a point of stopping by to see me.

Yesterday though was a first- she tracked down Lyo. ย ๐Ÿ˜› Whileย he was at work. Now he wants me to be nicer to her. >_< ย He seems to think that the way I live my life these days is closer to what Sybil wanted for Jax. More conventional is how he worded it. He also commented that she seemed to be a really nice lady.

Yes, and a snake is pretty to look at until it bites your hand too.

I’m actually more amused by the whole thing rather than annoyed with Lyo or Sybil.


Because watching/listening to someone go from “she’s the devil’s child” to “I’m so proud of you” is hilarious no matter who you are. ๐Ÿ™‚

Happy Birthday!!!

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. -Irish Proverb

Nor did the pig, but it came anyways. ๐Ÿ™‚

Holidays usually make me a bitch to be around. But what do you expect when your birthday has been lumped in with a holiday that makes it impossible to plan a regular party.

So for those of you born during this holiday-

Happy Birthday!!

You are totally awesome.


I hate to disagree…

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane. -Philip K. Dick


Sometimes I open my mouth and suddenly I’m preaching to someone I didn’t intend to preach at. This particular time around it was about the people who stay in a place that is not safe, sane, or recommended.ย 

The incident that I was telling this person about was when 2 LDS girls came to the house asking if I was Sister so & so. I kind of laughed and said no I wasn’t. Then they asked if I was Sister Lyo. I laughed harder and said I really wasn’t, but that my husband wasn’t feeling good so could they go away. (I was nice about it though.)

In any event Lyo (after I told him about the visit) started talking about how some of these people didn’t have a choice about going on these missions. In turn I mentioned it to JJ & Asher (another co-worker) and JJ commented that I couldn’t understand because I was so strong.

Now I’m all for blowing my own horn when it is due. But I’m calling bullshit on that comment. I’m not strong. I just have this overwhelming desire not to feel like shit every time I draw a breath or open my eyes. It was a matter of survival. Either I got out or I would be dead.ย Though to be honest it wasn’t that clear of thought. I just wanted to be elsewhere. Even sleeping in a car was a better option.

That isn’t strength. That is just plain selfishness. And try as one might you can’t keep it buried forever…

Well, youย can.ย 

I just wouldn’t recommend it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Cross your fingers…this may or may not work

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard

It is hard to tell but I actually am in a good mood. ๐Ÿ™‚ I know it comes as a shock to me too.

Still between a birthday and being able to finally change my phone number… I think this year may actually be ending on a good note. Then again, we haven’t been able to figure out what is wrong with Lyo yet so I could possibly change my mind before January 1st. Though I really hope I don’t.

Lesson Learned… sort of…

The beginning is always today.-Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

I am officially naming this year the WTF Year. Very little has gone right this year and the surprises haven’t been all that good. ๐Ÿ˜› But I’d like to think that I’ve managed to keep some sort of Balance in the mix.

This year has been a really big test of my theory of Balance, and though I have let a lot of my practice slide I’m pleased to say that yes Balance is still my main belief. All the yelling, tears, laughter, and happy memories that I’m trying to uncover are still keeping me sane.

Which come to think about it with everything else falling apart is still pretty good. ๐Ÿ˜‰


So I will give myself a pat on the back and plod on to tomorrow. Which hopefully will bring some sort of good news for Lyo and in turn me. ๐Ÿ˜€

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