Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the category “Magick”

Adventures to plan

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I have fallen out of practice again. Not just in writing, but in my spiritual life as well. And the longer I wait the harder it is going to be to get back into it.

So I need a challenge. An adventure that will scare the hell out of me. ~grins~ Why scare and not thrill? Because I want my adventure to end up with me being stronger and pushing forward. For me thrills just mean that I enjoyed myself and that I probably won’t do it again. Odd but true. I’m not a thrill seeker by any stretch of the imagination so that just leaves giving myself a challenging adventure.

But what adventure? That is the crossroads I’m standing in the middle of.

Should the adventure be someplace I go? Something I do? Should it be internal adventure (trust me going through my head/heart could be one)?

Maybe figure out something that does all 3?

Clearing house

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Man 1: “Shall I or shan’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I?”

Man 2: “Is he or isn’t he?”

(Points to anyone who knows what TV show that is from.)

It’s been that kind of day and in truth the whole weekend seems to have gone that way. Lots of driving mixed in with stormy weather and a rock hard bed to sleep in. Actually the storm was the one of the better parts of the weekend.

I’ve always enjoyed watching storms. The more violent the better. It is a release of a kind for me. Pent up frustrations, anger, sadness, and anything else I care to throw out into the wind and rain.  Everything is thrown out and I let the storm rage for me.

I even threw my joy, love, and satisfaction into storms.

Emotions were never meant to be negative or positive it was just how I interpreted them. I could keep them or let them go to make room for the new ones waiting to come in.

Some lessons are like a kiss, and some are like my storms.

Lesson Learned… sort of…

The beginning is always today.-Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

I am officially naming this year the WTF Year. Very little has gone right this year and the surprises haven’t been all that good. 😛 But I’d like to think that I’ve managed to keep some sort of Balance in the mix.

This year has been a really big test of my theory of Balance, and though I have let a lot of my practice slide I’m pleased to say that yes Balance is still my main belief. All the yelling, tears, laughter, and happy memories that I’m trying to uncover are still keeping me sane.

Which come to think about it with everything else falling apart is still pretty good. 😉

 

So I will give myself a pat on the back and plod on to tomorrow. Which hopefully will bring some sort of good news for Lyo and in turn me. 😀

Name that tune…

In this life anything can hurt you
Push you then forget you, erase your history

 

I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. Hell, I ain’t the same girl I was yesterday.

I walk and talk like nothing bothers me.

But here’s a secret.

It isn’t the action that bothers me. It is the thought behind it. Do you truly believe what is coming out of your mouth? Because I often don’t. I don’t bother to try to even make believe that I do anymore. I learned long ago that all anyone ever wants is my submission.

These days, maybe even back then, it takes a lot to make me submit. But surprisingly it isn’t an act, but a thought that makes the difference.

You want me to bend. Then show me that I’m safe enough to fall. Show me that you will be there to catch me. Gods know that I will test that trust every single day.

Every…Single…Day…..

It is who I became.

What I really mean is…

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I spend some time each morning lighting two candles for the two guiding lights in my life. It wasn’t something that I set out to do for ritual purposes. I did it because I wanted to remember. To take a moment out of time and just remember my promise and the person who was closer to me than anyone else in my younger years.

It has become a ritual of sorts in the sense that if I don’t take those few moments my day just feels off. Kind of like not remembering if you left the coffee pot on or if you locked the door behind you.

Another habit that has become more important to me as I have gotten older is letting those I love know how important they are to me. I can’t leave the house without telling Lyo I love him and getting a kiss from him. It has almost become automatic for us not to leave a room without saying “I love you” to each other.

Most people think it’s cute. I smile, nod and tell them, “yes it is cute. Especially when the meaning of ‘I love you’ is so vastly different each time we say it.”

That’s usually when I get those blank looks or puzzled expressions. Most have never heard of ‘I love you’ having more than one meaning. But for Lyo and I it can range from the traditional  I Love You, to the ‘i love you’ said through clenched teeth when we are pissed as each other (yes that does happen 🙂 ). We even have an ‘I love you’ that says go away and leave me alone for a bit (this one gets used alot if we are in the middle of a project or book).

It has become a habit for us to use the phrase not as it is normally used for most people. For us it means that the other person has our promise that we aren’t going to leave them. That we still care about them. That we still believe in them.

For us we could be in the middle of a heated debate and be totally pissed off at the other person or topic, but it will always end the same way.

One of us giving up and saying I love you. (Translation- We aren’t going to agree so let’s drop it for something else.)

Some habits I don’t plan on breaking. 🙂

Almost back to writing

I am not the most exciting person these days. Trying frantically to get things done before winter hits in full force means that I don’t often have time to sit back and write anything useful/funny/insightful…or anything really.

But I have managed to stumble across a few things that have I think are interesting.

First is Powell Books’ new Espresso Book Machine (http://www.powells.com/bookmachine) which if you are like me- dying to see something you’ve done in print, but know that it isn’t quite ‘there’ for mass production (or even having someone consider it for production)- this is worth the trip to Portland alone. I’m having a hard time deciding what (if anything) I can put together for a book and get it over there. 😀 I’ll have to wait until I’m not running around though. Hopefully by then I’ll have something put together.

My research project is slow going, but again that is probably my fault. I get distracted and go off on another line all together. Such as the meaning of a symbol or myths in the region that are like  shiny objects that I can’t ignore. This would be one of the major reasons why I can’t have a job that is strictly one thing at a time in the same order all the time. I go off and do something else. 🙂 A bad trait for research, but I find out all sorts of fun things.

This trait also gets really bad when there are differing opinions about my topic. Some will say X while other will include W and Z in the same category- but when you look at the language it clearly isn’t. But then I think maybe they do belong in the same category so I have to find out for sure.

Some would think that was being thorough…I call it trying to be perfect in an imperfect field. Seriously- I’m dealing with Myths that have changed from region to region and throughout time as a well. Do I actually expect to have a complete list and cross reference that encompasses a world’s history on the subject?

Sadly the answer is yes and no. I do, but when I get bogged down in the details I have to remember that I’m not trying to go THAT far. I wish myself  luck every day.

My interest of late has been classical music. Ever since I’ve gotten my library finally set up to the point where it is useful I’ve been leaning toward the classical/instrumental side of music. For those that know about my taste in music this isn’t that big of surprise- but still something to be chuckled about. ~cough-Lyo-cough~ 🙂 But when I read for enjoyment or research I like to have something in the background that is overly loud and not distracting.

Though I have’t quite yet fallen into the Opera trap yet- I tend to think I’m getting close though. 😛 After all it IS only a few steps further.

And in that pursuit of mine I’ve add http://wwfm.org/listen.shtml which I would like you to note also has a Jazz twin. So I’m not just listening to classical all day.

Actually I find that listening to instrumental music (not just classical) I tend to think in more solid ways. Instead of starting a line of thought and having it disappear into the ether a moment later I can actually follow it for  a bit. Sometimes to a good place and sometimes to a place that no mind should ever wander (that’s how I usually find my next Search though so I don’t know maybe a mind should wander out there occasionally :D).

Another change in my habits is that I’ve begun using V2 Cigarettes (http://www.v2cigs.com/)  instead of Camels. For those that don’t know V2 is nicotine in water that forms a vapor when inhaling. None of the tar that generally causes the breathing problems. And despite some ads and personal stories about using them to quit smoking (all the vapor brands seem to have those in one way or another) the products are not designed to help a smoker quit (sorry to burst that bubble).  You could if you wanted to, but I don’t think that it would work for me.

In any event my story with them is that the store next to my work started selling the disposable kind from another company. What I like about it was that there were flavors that are kind of sweet in a good way. However I will warn you to stay away from the fruit ones unless you REALLY REALLY like cough syrup from the 1980s. Yeck!!!

Those disposables also lasted the same amount of time as two packs of cigarettes with me for only $10! Where as Camels and other cigarettes were reaching $6.50 in some shops (including the store next to me). So an all around good deal. Then the store started to run out of my flavors. I bought up as much as I could, but it was a long time between refills. So I started to look on line for a supplier. V2 was the best bet and so far I’m very happy with them. And I’ve saved a bit of cash too. 😀

But here’s the part I find funny. When I was running out of the disposable ones and V2 hadn’t arrived yet (never ever go flat rate. Pay the 1.50 more and get it in 1/2 the time) I tried to smoke a Camel.

My gods! What a horrible, disgusting, piece of shit wrapped in menthol hell (I really hate menthol/mint) that I had ever had the unfortunate luck to encounter. That was back in September. I haven’t tried it again since. ~shudders at the memory~ Really bad.

And that has been what I’ve been up to. Well that and throw in a hunting trip, a trip north to Washington, a rainy trip South, and getting married on the 3rd….

I may get things to slow down in December, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. 🙂

Let me try again…

Mental Quickness, Versatile ways; These I ask to fill my days. Communication skills so strong, Twin Dragons show me right from wrong.”

Well, Taurus was interesting. Busy with a bit of drama in my life, but interesting none the less. Luckily I’m not all THAT far behind in my studies.

So let me see what has been going on.

Lyo was interviewed for a new job which would have caused us to move. He didn’t get it which has turned out to be a much better idea than a new job.

Work for myself has been going well.

I’ve started to put together material for a book. Kind of a combination of book review, commentary and my own interpretation of scientific fact. It means a lot of work and not a lot of time spent on the forums or emailing, or actually working on anything else until I get the material together. Though the plan is to get all of information I need by the end of June.

That is going to compete with my saving for my anniversary trip next year of course. I’m trying to get up enough money to go to Yellowstone next August/September with Lyo next year. ~crosses fingers~ We’ll see if I can pull it off. Normally something like the New Job issue will get in the way. But I think I’ll make it. ~grins~

So yeah….communication is going to be a big factor this time around. Also there is going to be a bit of a change here. I’m going to try to post at least once a week about my time in the Zodiac. I know I was going to post daily, but I’m finding that time is getting short. We’ll see how the weekly posting goes.

Pisces Begining

“I seek true intuition and Dreams, Insight to show a clear future path. Let my escapes into daydreams be fruitful, Let the psychic teach me compassion. Help me to remain stable on the illusive path of the spirtiual.”

As always I wonder what this new sign will teach me in our time together. I’m not sure what I’ll learn, but I know it’ll be an experience. ~wry grin~ Especially with everything that seems to have started this month. And of course in the coming time with Pisces there is much going on. Starting tomorrow Lyo will be in surgery then recovery. I have dentist and  eye doctor appointment later this month and the end of March. Not to mention I am still experimenting with treatments for my back.

Speaking of whch I think I’ve stumbled onto an enhanced treatment. It builds on what I was already doing- St. John’s Wort- by adding in Lavender and Clove oils. Of course I now smell like someone is baking all the time, but I can sit up right for longer than 2 minutes. The downside is that you do have reapply it every few hours, but it is doable.

As for my diet….it is still going strong. I’m slowly adding in the Y-scores into my Calorie counter (very slowly) but it is working out like I thought it would. I do have that chart if anyone is interested. And at last count I was down to 14 lbs to my goal weight. ~big grin~

All in all….Aquarius was good to me and Pisces is looking to be a fun time as well.

Odd weekend….

“Inventiveness and insight deep, Bring to me while I sleep. Self-expression feeds the soul, Wise Dragon help me find a richer goal.”

Yesterday was totally unexpected…Lyo decided to take me to the biggest shopping center on the coast. But what was really sweet was he bought me a ring from Zales. ~smiles~ I hadn’t planned on actually going in there, but I was curious as to what they had and ended up with my birthstone set in white gold.

Then we ended up at the casino for lunch and despite totally pigging out (2 plates of food, 1 cup of chowder, and 2 desserts) I did not gain weight. Yippeee! I know that I can’t do that every day, but oooohhhh…it was sooo good. I’ve always viewed an all you can eat buffet as a challenge. If I can eat the most spendy items a couple of times then the price was worth it. ~wry grin~ And I say I’m not competetive. ~chuckles~

But of course the downside is….I’m paying for all the traveling and carrying heavy items around. I can hardly move without pain today. ~sighs~ I need to find my back brace…..

Dreams and where they come from

“Inventivness and insight deep, Bring to me while I sleep. Self-expression feeds the soul, Wise Dragon help me find a richer goal.”

Well no richer goals have come to mind just yet. ~wry grin~ But I will say that my dreams have been entertaining thus far. ~chuckles~ Sometimes I wonder what (if anything) my mind is trying to sort out while I sleep. And sometimes the meaning is very clear. Such as earlier this morning I was dreaming about emergency preparedness (sp?) and how ready I was for a disaster or rather how I think everyone else is doing at it. You see most everyone who gets into preparing an emergency pack has one at home and perhaps their car will carry some light supplies, but I would say that is not the norm….the car bit. And very few plan for an emergency where they are not at home or in their own car. And that was pretty much my concern. Especially since I take public transportation to work and back.

So I can understand where my mind picked up that train of thought, but some of the other ones….I’m never sure about. ~laughs~ Maybe after I go through the Zodiac I will concentrate on dream interpretation.  But for right now I’ll just sit back and enjoy what my dreams bring me. Even if they get interupted by the alarm in the morning. ~1/2 smile~

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