Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Archive for the category “Family”

Brief Step Back Into The Spotlight

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Wow…okay so I’m really doing badly on the whole write at least once a week deal I made with myself this year. In fact I think it is pretty safe to say that I completely failed at it. But to be fair I did have a few things occupying my time this year aside from my day job. One of which was kind of depressing in the ‘I don’t want to talk about it too much or I’ll end up in ball on the floor’ type of way. There was also a few health scares one of them my own. And let me tell you there is nothing as frustrating as not getting the attention you deserve and then the hospital staff trying to blame you for their mistakes.

But all in all I survived so no foul called.

The winter season promises to be storm filled this year which will be awesome! But I don’t think the new puppy will be thrilled with it, even if I am (there will be some awesome light shows this year I can feel it!). Yes, Lyo & I got a dog from the local shelter this year (after years and years debating between cat and dog). A sweet little guy Murphy, 1/2 Chihuahua and 1/2 Min Pin, or if you really want to make the boy feel proud call him a MinChi (pardon me while I let the fur settle for a bit after that comment).

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Oh and if anyone ever tells you that dogs continue to ‘grow up’ past the age of 6 months…I bet they haven’t lived with one!

In other news for winter I will be doing NaNoWriMo again this year. I skipped last year because of hunting trips and basically too lazy to do it, but this year….this year I think I may actually have a shot. If you’re in the competition this year too be sure to say ‘Hi’. (Angel S.)

Maybe it is.

Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way. -Real Live Preacher

I wonder if amusement is a form of forgiveness? I really hope that it is because I have that in spades… as in the shovel not the cards. 😉 I find that when dealing with someone who wants you to feel bad/depressed/hurt/etc over anything and everything it is best to hold onto your funny bone. And give it a few kicks from time to time just to ensure that you can still laugh.

But is it a form of forgiveness?

I’m not sure if it is. Just because I can laugh about insults doesn’t mean that they aren’t echoing in some part of my brain that is still attached to an Idea that has proven time and time again to be a down hill run into Hell.

I’m not sure that I’ve forgiven myself or Madre for the past. Could I have been a better daughter? Probably. Could she have been a better mother? Probably.

But the thing about the past is that you can’t change it. You grew from it. You became who you are because of it.

And I like who I am. I can live with who I am.

Yes that means every little bit of who I am. The Liar. The Witch. The Friend. The Wife. The co-worker. The slightly-something-wrong-with-that-one. The Survivor. The wounded.

I guess if you can be happy with the outcome then it is form of forgiveness. Maybe. 🙂

 

 

Cross your fingers…this may or may not work

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard

It is hard to tell but I actually am in a good mood. 🙂 I know it comes as a shock to me too.

Still between a birthday and being able to finally change my phone number… I think this year may actually be ending on a good note. Then again, we haven’t been able to figure out what is wrong with Lyo yet so I could possibly change my mind before January 1st. Though I really hope I don’t.

Name that tune…

In this life anything can hurt you
Push you then forget you, erase your history

 

I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. Hell, I ain’t the same girl I was yesterday.

I walk and talk like nothing bothers me.

But here’s a secret.

It isn’t the action that bothers me. It is the thought behind it. Do you truly believe what is coming out of your mouth? Because I often don’t. I don’t bother to try to even make believe that I do anymore. I learned long ago that all anyone ever wants is my submission.

These days, maybe even back then, it takes a lot to make me submit. But surprisingly it isn’t an act, but a thought that makes the difference.

You want me to bend. Then show me that I’m safe enough to fall. Show me that you will be there to catch me. Gods know that I will test that trust every single day.

Every…Single…Day…..

It is who I became.

Timing is never on my side

Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth…Tame the dragon and the gift is yours.  Noela Evans

Well that was another step down. Now we wait for the next step, neurosurgeon consultation. Lyo is still in pain, but not as bad as it was a few days ago. For which I am very thankful. However the pain is increasing again. 😦

After swearing that he would never take two pills again yesterday he asked for two this morning.

Yeah, not good.

In any event it looks like I’m going back to work on Monday if I can trust that Lyo will not do something like go weed the courtyard. I’m not that optimistic. 😛 But what else can I do but go back to work. There isn’t much I can do here. And I may be out sooner rather than later when we go for the consult.

Thank the gods that I’m getting paid from both offices now and I got an increase in pay too. If it wasn’t for that this would hurt alot more financially than it will. There is to something to be said for good people…and a Mate whose job isn’t in jeopardy from long absences. 🙂

In other news-

I guess the Hunt is on hold for the time being. It is hard to go Hunting when you have to play nurse. Not to mention that jumping my Mate would be a pretty bad idea right now. I might get vomit on the sheet. 😛

On it goes

If you have accomplished all that you planned for yourself, you have not planned enough.
Edward Everett Hale

Lyo finally had to break down and get real painkillers. Which is good because he hadn’t slept in 2 days. He is still without a diagnosis as of today, but there is a CT scan setup for him in a few hours. He already had the MRI and nothing showed up. Then shingles was thought to be possible given Lyo’s age and the fact that he had chickenpox when he was kid.

But we’ve ruled that out so far since no rash has shown up.

After the CT scan is a visit to a neurosurgeon but that hasn’t been set up yet. And given how well his health insurance company is getting along with the hospital…I’m not sure where we go for the consultation or when.

Well so much for the up beat news.

I’m still running on 3 hours of sleep from the night before last. And I’ve got another long day ahead of me. Lyo on pain killers is funny when he’s in the hospital. Lyo on painkillers at home is a bad idea.

Why is it that when you take painkillers your memory of being in pain is somehow forgotten?

Seriously.

I think that if I hadn’t been here yesterday he would have tried to go work on the trailer. He was doing all sorts of movements he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Nor should he have been capable of doing them without the painkillers.

I know when I hurt I don’t do that. Of course painkillers don’t really work on me so maybe it is just the drugs.

In which case I really have to talk with whoever decided my biological/chemical makeup. It isn’t fair that I can’t get the same kind of relief with painkillers as others can.

~sighs~

I guess I stick with the vodka. 😛

Here we go again

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
William Feather

Well, May is shaping up to be about the same as April. Go figure. 😛 Lyo is headed for the hospital for a MRI in a bit for his back/hip/leg nerve. Which hopefully will tell him/us what is wrong and how we can fix it.

This isn’t really a bad thing. In fact I should think of it as a good thing. But how likely is that? Not very. I’m worried/pissed because he is hurting and the health field is taking its sweet time getting around to him.

Luckily right now he is on Valium so he doesn’t really care what is going on. I’m hoping that those pills work for awhile. 😉 Or at least for the rest of the day so that Lyo can get some sleep. Maybe me too.

I hope so in any event. 🙂

Let lies be

Partying is such sweet sorrow.
-Robert Byrne

When are you honest? When does being honest hurt your chances at a job/relationship/etc?

There really isn’t a good answer if you think of yourself as an honest person in the traditional sense of honor (meaning being good/noble/etc.). Either you admit to lying a touch (or more) or you are willing to risk yourself by answering a question completely honest.

Now I know where I fall on that scale. It depends on the person but I will do both…just not at the same time. Like with Buck when he asked me about my old job. I liked it. I had fun with it. And I got fired for violating the confidential information clause in my contract. (That was the reason The Lady gave. I still don’t know what the hell I did to violate it.)

Now normally if the person was a potential employer I wouldn’t tell them about the fired bit. I would simply say that I was let go. But Buck and JJ have been dealing with The Lady’s bad graces longer than I have so I wasn’t all that concerned about tell him.  Even if he is a potential employer.

Then during the nightly entertainment with Lyo. He teases me and asks if I’ve ever lied to him. And I said not that I can remember. Not the best answer in the world, but an honest one. And gods am I glad my memory only goes back a week or two before it makes a leap to my teen years. 😀

See I do believe in being honest. Just not all the time. 😛 And definitely not all the time. Gods know what kind of trouble I could get into with an attitude like that. Though I did have it at one time. ~shudders~ Luckily I’m lazy and it only lasted a day or two. Sometimes it is just better to let the lie be the truth for some people.

 

Cast of Characters Pt. 1

Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
-G. K. Chesterton

So I thought I would introduce you to all the people in my life that I consider important since they are part of the reason for my writing here. That I need someplace to keep track of what names I’ve given them online. 😀

I’ve divided the people up into Pack and Friends. Pack are closer than friends and better than the family you grew up with. Friends are just about anyone else who I am somewhat close to, but only partly.

First up my Pack:

  • Lyo (aka: My Mate, Mine, Hubby, Husband) : He is a big teddy bear when it comes to just about anything. We do have our moments, but all in all- I got a good deal when we hooked up. And I hope I show that to him every day. 🙂
  • Jax (1979 – 2009): Even though she gone Jax is still one of the biggest influences in my life. She and I knew each other from our teen years and even after some rocky reconnects we managed to stay close. 🙂 I still think about her everyday. I don’t keep in touch with the rest of her Pack as often as I would like, but for the past 3 years I haven’t been online much… In any event- those in her Pack that I know pretty well (I think) are Cate, Max, Kim,Torian, Kadin and Tianna. They show up here occasionally too.
  • Matt: Out of all the people I’ve met through Jax’s Pack Matt is the one I’ve kept in touch with most frequently. I always kind of picture him as a younger brother that I love hanging out with to either annoy, torment, or laugh with. Mostly all of them. 😀

Now for my friends-

  • JJ: I’ve worked with JJ for awhile now. Funny, smart, and extremely honest about most things. JJ can be a bit of sneak at times (okay maybe a lot of the time), but that is what makes working with JJ so fun. You never know what’s coming up.
  • Switch: Switch is…well a light switch. You never know if it is going to be a good day and have Talkative Switch in or  if it’s one of the bad days and Bitchy Switch or Snarky Switch is coming in. Debate Switch can be fun since I enjoy crushing preconceptions on just about anything if I can help it. And Debate Switch gets it going every time. 🙂 Also Switch has this habit of raising her voice an octave or two when she thinks your not listening to what she says…or if she disagrees with you. Annoying but I try to keep remember she isn’t really yelling.
  • JonBoy: Oh, where to start with Jonnie? The only person I’ve seen more disorganized and clutter prone was Jax and she had good reason to be. JonBoy is just everywhere. He can’t help it or so it seems. And I do take pity on those that can’t understand computers. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty good at the level I am at. JonBoy can’t even get a computer powered on without a button that says start. Gods know why someone gave him a Windows 8 laptop, but I doubt he’s used it more than twice since I set it up for him. ~sighs~
  • Lyssa: Someone I met during NaNo. She is fun and quirky (yellow galoshes) and a writer. She has lots of stories to tell about the places she’s been.
  • Mira: Another NaNo person who is as much a coffee hound as I am. She writes professionally which I would love to do, but it makes hanging out with her sometimes hard to do. That and the fact that she lives 3 hours away.
  • Muppet: Here is another of my wayward cases. Although she does have some skills with a computer it mainly focuses on searches and emails. Not bad. She reminds me of an innocent kid who is stepping out into the real world for the first time. Except in Muppet’s case she’s been out there before. I worry about her, but aside from helping her out with a few odds and ends we aren’t really that close so I can’t really give her advice. That and she is a huge history buff. So Muppet and Lyo get along great. 🙂

All of these people have some sort of impact on my life…and its been a good thing. I’ve left out the people I don’t like because honestly….I don’t feel like drudging up the old arguments and feelings. Today is about celebrating the people that I like. And while this list isn’t a complete one its the best I can do for now. 🙂

Grateful for my enemies

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
-Oscar Wilde

I think I’ve only had maybe one or three enemies in my life. And by enemies I’m talking about out to kill me one way or another. The bar is set that high for a reason. I don’t think the word enemy should be used lightly.

I’m not saying that I haven’t had people hate me or something I’ve done. I’m sure I have made plenty of people mad for one thing or another. But to be my enemy you have to be trying to kill ME. Any part of ME.

For example-

My first and best remembered enemy was my mother. Her favorite choice of weapons was love, but not in a good way. Not in the way that you put the well being of someone before your own. Her version of love was more along the lines of wanting the other person to conform to her mold. In other words to be an extension of herself. She tried for over 20 years to kill off who I was to become her doppelganger.

But I did learn from her. Which seems really odd to say, but it is still very true. And not the standard ‘I learned the opposite of what she was trying to teach me’ way. I learned from her that everyone needs at least one enemy in their life.

You have to know the value of what you are fighting for. You have to know that it (or in this case yourself) is worth holding onto. You have to prove that whatever you are fighting to the death over is worth it.

I’m still kind of messed up over love and other social interactions because of my past. But I’ve managed to hold onto the core of ME and turn myself into something that I didn’t think was possible in my teen years.

Of course the war with Madre isn’t over yet. Never will be until one of us is dead I suppose. I avoid her because I don’t want to don the gear anymore. I don’t want to fight her because she is my mother. The woman did the best she could with what she had to work with in herself. I don’t hate her for it. But we are still enemies.

An enemy that I am grateful to have and wary of meeting up with again. 😛

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