Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

I’ve got a secret

The habits of life form the soul, and the soul forms the countenance.
-Honore de Balzac

I’m comfortable with my habits. Even the bad ones. 🙂 Sure sometimes the bad habits kick my ass, but I still like them. Then there are the habits that I’m glad are gone for the time being. I was lucky that none of the habits I had killed me. They very easily could have given the right circumstances and conditions. 

So how did I beat those very destructive habits?

I didn’t. 

They are still there lurking beneath the surface just waiting until I’m unprepared to deal with them. It isn’t a daily struggle like trying to give up cigarettes or reminding myself how many points I have left in the day.

These habits are more like a cancer. They are more emotional and obsessive than the word habits would imply. They are in my thoughts most days and quite often at night. I spend time coming up with stories that have an element of them as a driving force. Hell, I’ve embraced part of these habits as if they were long lost friends.

These habits of mine are my addictions. 

And like all good addictions I keep wanting to go back to them. I keep bringing others with me and introducing them to my addictions. I’ve gotten very good at it. Just a taste at a time until they’re comfortable with step. Then I give them the next step.

It’s a slow seductive dance I lead them on. Most of it is by instinct alone though the intent was there from the moment we say hello. 

I’ve gone nearly 10 years without feeding my addictions outside of my fiction writing. And gods help me if anyone ever found those files. 😉 Part of me hopes that someday someone will. Part of me hopes that Lyo will.

But the truth of the matter is- my biggest addiction is secrecy. 

🙂

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