Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

This Road I’m On…

Sometimes it amazes me…and by it I mean my life. Yes I admit it, I am amazed by my life at times. And today happens to be one of those days. Not because I’ve done anything to be amazed about (gods know that is true enough ~wry grin~) but because if you had asked me what my life would be like there wouldn’t be one thing that I could’ve pinned down that is actually true today.

I guess this became apparent to me today because of Switch. We were talking about education and our differing thoughts on it. She thought the system should be standardized but not paid for. I thought it should be both since not everyone can afford to pay for it. She thought that having it paid for (read: free education) was a bad idea (read: she thought it was bull shit) and I ended up explaining about Madre and those dark years.

That’s the part of the tale that only some know. Beside everyone has hell in their past right? ~chuckles~ Mine wasn’t so bad…well, perhaps it would be better to say that it could have been much much much worse- but it was bad enough for me. Financial ruin before I even knew what that meant. Mental abuse that resulted in an odd way of thinking not to mention the years of rebuilding what self-worth I have. And some physical abuse that was oddly easier to survive than the mental.

I didn’t go into the abuse parts with Switch (I really don’t need those rumors flying around again). However after explaining the financial reasons why I didn’t go to college out of high school Switch asked me why I was still here in this county.

I almost laughed out loud. Because I honestly didn’t know why I was. I never planned on it. At some point I had pictured myself living elsewhere, but I stayed. And truth be told I’m glad those plans I made fell through and travel was never possible. Because if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have met Lyo. I wouldn’t be getting married in two weeks. I wouldn’t have my Library.

I wouldn’t have who I am today.

And I think…that is where plans and dreams sometimes fail a person. One could become so wrapped up in their plans/dreams that they totally lose sight of themselves….who and what they are NOW as opposed to a tomorrow that may not come to be.

Now that isn’t to say that plans and dreams have no place (dreams especially are something that I strive to keep going). They are guides of where I want to go not who I am. They can be changed rather painlessly where as trying to change who I am is more like a dying a bit at a time…and sometimes in big pieces.

Some will say that who you are changes every day or little bit each day, but I tend to think the part of a person that is truly them doesn’t change all that much through out time. Not without those dark years we all have. 😀

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