Living in a Dream

Sometimes I just think too much

Ahh…the Season

Let me serve with Honor and Peace what Balance there is to be.

Between shopping for gifts and putting up decorations one might stop to wonder. What is this whole thing for? Why do I even bother?

This time of year has never been a good one for me. Depression, anxiety, anger, and my favorite self-pity. I’m more of an emotional wreck this time of year than at any other, and it is usually the little things that will set me off. Like not stopping at a book store or restaurant when I want. Or taking some time out an long road trips. Even words from strangers will effect me negatively. The problem is now that I live with my Mate….it hurts him too. But there is no way for me to stop it. If I did…well, let’s just say that there are worse things than crying over having to make dinner.

I suppose what annoys me the most about this time of year is the expectations people have that you be jolly all the time. You walk out on the street and people expect a smile at the very least. When someone wishes another person ‘Merry Christmas’/’Happy Holidays’ (which by the way I think is total bullshit, but that is another entry all together) they expect a response. Now don’t get me wrong- normally I would be happy to fall into line and play the game same as anyone else, but not during this time of year. And yet I am told I am insensitive or being a scrooge.

Why?

Just because I cannot force myself to be pleasant and fake cheerful doesn’t me I hate this time of year. I really don’t. In fact Winter in general is my favorite time of year. Hell, I was born in December. I’m a Winter Queen. I just cannot stand to be around people for long periods of time when I have a tendency to feel opposite of how they portray themselves. For example: if I am in a room with 10 people and all of them are projecting happy/warm/fuzzy feelings I will immediately begin to project anger/cold/prickly feelings. If they were hostile I would be happy. It is just the way I am. And yes, I can fake happy/warm/fuzzy just as well as anyone else- after all I did work retail and restaurants since I was 16, but I just don’t see the need to. In fact I grew up in a house that prided itself on being one way with family, usually bad, and portraying something else entirely to the outside world.

In any event, I didn’t want to rant about past injustices or whine about my personal gripe with the madness of shopping. I am just trying to remind everyone that sometimes the people on the street who don’t smile and who aren’t in the spirit of anything have a very good reason for it. And the happier you are toward them…the more likely one of them will react violently toward you. And unless thoughts doing violent things make you happy….nevermind…thoughts of violence will always make some people happy. ~smiles~

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